Is that a tattoo…

This past Sunday, I went with some of my good family friends up to Shenzhen.  The plan was to go up, eat some good food, relax a bit, and play some golf.  Sounded like plans for an excellent day but was it…

We started the day by taking a bus up to China around 9:30  in the morning.  After we passed the two border check points we were picked up by another friend and driven to my uncle’s factory.  It has been 2 years since I’ve been back to this area and quite a bit has changed. The city has many new buildings including lots of new sports facilities and dormitories for the 2011 World University Games.

As we were driving to the factory, I reminisced about the last time I was in Shenzhen to visit my uncle. I spoke with my friends about how incredibly insane the driving was in Shenzhen and a short while later, we encountered our first wrong way driver.  Yup, there he was, driving right at us.  You would think that a median there would clearly allow a driver to determine which lane is the proper one to be driving in.  This was not the case.  As we passed the wrong way driver, I quickly noticed that there was a stoplight and all the lanes were filled and all of the cars were stopped, which leads me to my next thought.  How the H did that driver end up driving the wrong way??

Once we arrived at the factory, we had a nice time sitting down and chatting with everyone over a cup of tea.  Oh I’m betting that you think that is so cliche right, a bunch of chinese people sitting around having a cup of tea.  Well, we’re in China, so do as the Chinese do right? After tea, we went next door to grab some lunch. Whenever I eat in China, I feel like a King.  There is always so much good food. Lunch consisted of 10 different entrees that was served family style.  The food was delicious especially the chicken.  Chicken tastes so different here in China.  Number one reason: it isn’t pumped full of hormones like in the states (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, go watch the documentary Food, Inc and then you can thank me for not wanting to eat anything at all).  The chicken is literally a third of the size of the ones we find in the US which is fine because it tastes so very much better.  I really wish we could find more free range chicken at a reasonable price back in the states.

Well after lunch, we all drove to the driving range to hit some golf balls.  It was a very nice time there and the weather was actually pretty decent out that day.  The facilities were extremely nice and the service was wonderful.  We all got wet towels to allow us to freshen up.  While we were there, I helped give a mini golf lesson to my friend.  If you’ve ever played golf with me, you’re probably doing 1 of 2 things or possibly both. #1 You’re probably thinking to yourself, “seriously, he’s giving a golf lesson” and #2 you’re probably rolling on the floor laughing. Yes, I know. I am clearly not qualified to teach anything that involves golf period. In fact, i’m so bad at golf that I should probably just quit. But if I did quit, who would keep the golf economy afloat in AZ…

After golf, we all went to get a massage.  Shenzhen is pretty well known for having good massages at good prices.  I haven’t had a massage in over a year so I was excited to have a nice relaxing time.  The place we went to was like the Disneyland of massage.  It was 3 floors of relaxation (I use the term “relaxation” loosely here, you will understand later).  The first floor had lockers, showers, pools, spas, billards tables, shuffle board and probably a bunch of other things that I didn’t see.  The second floor had tons of lazy boy chairs with TV’s where you could sit and relax, eat, get your feet massaged.  There was also places to eat on the second floor.  The third floor had all of the massage rooms.

With a myriad of options for massages, we thought things over for about 5-10 minutes.  Everything was in Chinese so I just went along with and did the same massage as my friend Kevin.  We were “supposedly” doing the same massage as his fiance, Claudia, so we thought…  I’m not even going to explain what I thought we were getting in our massage because I honestly didn’t know.  I just figured that it would be nice and relaxing because thats what massages are for.  All I knew was that the massage was going to last for 110 minutes.

When Kevin and I got into the room, I saw the masseuses bring in these tiny cups.  I’ve heard about those before, they use heat to create suction on your back and afterwards they leave little red rings on your back.  Claudia came in to our room and told us that once she saw the cups that she told her masseuse that she didn’t want to do that and she told us that we should probably do the same.  I thought, well I might as well try it, what’s the harm…

Also, before our masseuses entered the room, I noticed some strange bars that were on the ceiling above the massage tables.  I asked Kevin what that was all about.  He told me they were for Thai massages and massages where they walk on your back.  I thought that was interesting and that it was quite logical to have those to help the masseuse keep their balance.

As our massage began, it was quite nice.  Gentle but firm kneading of the muscles in my back and shoulders.  Many thoughts came to my head such as: good massage, relaxing, this should be a really enjoyable 110 minutes.  After about 15 minutes of this nice, gentle, enjoyable massage, things took a turn for the worse.

*Sidenote: I would also like to mention right now that our masseuses did not shut up the entire time we were in there.  They only spoke Mandarin and because I wasn’t speaking Mandarin, they thought I was Japanese. They were saying things like they weren’t going to give me a massage or something like that because I was Japanese and because they had a bad Japanese customer last week (lots of Japanese Chinese tension right now because of the captured sailor, look it up if you don’t know what i’m talking about).  They finally got the point that I was an American-Chinese but kept on talking the entire time asking far too personal questions like how much money we made, who our families were etc. At one point, one of them turned on the TV in the room.  So needless to say, relaxing ocean sounds was not the soundtrack to this massage. *End Sidenote

*Continue “things took a turn for the worse.”…

Somehow, nice massage turned into, ok so you’re standing on my back.  Now I see the aforementioned bars on the ceiling being used.  The following are the thoughts that went through my head while the masseuse was standing on me: “Well at least you don’t weigh all that much.  This feels ok I guess.  You’re walking up and down my back, fantastic.  OK so the way you’re standing on me is not very conducive to me breathing.  Wait, are you seriously walking up and down the back of my thigh right now? GET OFF MY CALVES!! Thank you for getting off my calves and working your way back up to my back. OK this thing you’re doing standing on my butt is not only kind of uncomfortable but seriously awkward.  Ah finally, back to my lower back.  FREAKING A!!! YOU’RE JUMPING ON MY BACK!!! I am not a trampoline.” This walking around on the backside of my body goes on for literally 25 minutes.

After she finished doing a plyometric workout on my back, she started using some oil on my back which I thought would be a start to some relaxation again.  She proceeded to start using a tool on my back which I never saw but later found out was a tool formed from a cow bone.  It did not feel that nice from the beginning.  Using a credit card and running it up and down your skin isn’t that bad but using a cow bone and forcefully running it up and down your back and spine does not make me jolly fun time.  I literally thought that layers of my skin were being peeled off.  Trust me, I am not exaggerating and the picture that you will soon see will make my pain yours.  This was used all over my back and it was extremely painful when it went up and down my rib area.  This lasted a long time. I can’t even recollect the time it took and it has probably been put into my repressed memory bank.  I later found out that the purpose of this “practice” is that it helps to open up the pores in your back which in turn help your body release toxins.

Now on to the wonderful suction devices.  The masseuse started off putting one on my lower back.  I heard a 4 clicks and each time I heard a click, I felt the spot where the cup was get tighter.  It actually kind of hurt.  It felt like a hard pinch.  She left that there for a while while she kept on scraping.  Once the scraping stopped, she used another cup , clicked it a few times and started running it up and down my back.  This didn’t feel all that great either.  She started putting more of these cups on me.  I had a few knots in my shoulder/trapezius area, and she put some there as well.  I ended up having 7 of them on my back.  I originally thought I only had 6 of them but had a nice little surprise when I came home and looked in the mirror.  After she placed all of the cups on me, she covered me up with the towel and walked out for a little bit.  I asked Kevin who was lying a few feet from me if his masseuse had started with the wonderful cups yet.  He said no.  A few minutes later, he told me that he finally had some on him.  He told me had 6 of them as well.  Then he told me that he had 6 on one side of his back.  I couldn’t help but laugh to myself.  He ended up having over 10 placed on him.

Well after all the pain and misery of having these suction cups sit on my back for what seemed like an eternity, the masseuse came back and too them off.  She did another 5 minutes of what I would normally think of as a normal massage, sat me up, did a couple of chops to my shoulders and voila I was done.  The masseuse had us put our shirts on and then they left.  I asked Kevin to let me see what his back looked like.  I stared in awe.  I couldn’t stop laughing and then I thought to myself, oh crap, I have that too.  Then he saw my back and started laughing hysterically.  We spent the next 10-15 minutes waiting for Claudia and another friend to be done with their massages.  Once they came out, we showed them our battle wounds.  They laughed a lot and we all acknowledged our stupidity with going through and having them done.  Then we compared what we had done in our massages.  Turns out that our massages were completely different.  Somehow they had a very nice, enjoyable massage and feel asleep moments into their massage.  We endured nearly 2 hours of pain.

You may have been asking yourself while reading, why didn’t you stop the masseuse when you felt like you were in pain.  Well my train of thought with massages is that they are supposed to hurt.  The more it does, the better it is for you.  Guess I was wrong in this case.

Well, I guess I will show you the by product of this “wonderful” experience…

Now you’re probably doing one a few things: completely shocked, feeling sick to your stomach, feeling my pain, laughing, laughing hysterically or crying from your laughter.  It’s ok, I will accept all of those reactions.  I laughed a lot too.  I still laugh every time I look in the mirror.  And do you know why I laugh? It’s not because it looks like I have tire tread marks down the middle of my back.  It’s not because I have 5 gigantic bruises on my upper back which can at times be viewable if my shirt hangs down.  It’s not because I can’t wear white shirts for the next week or 2. It’s not even because of the fact that I pretty much have giant hickies all over my back.  It’s those 2 freaking ones on my lower back.  I can’t believe I have a freaking tramp stamp for the next week!!

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Posted in China, Experience, Funny